Hurt
by LMG
Summary: {COMPLETE} I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. My mind is so messed up that there seems to be no recourse but to stop thinking at all. But it hurts to do that, too.
1. Default Chapter

Thank you to ALL my reader's and to ALL my reviewer's.

My BETA's GoldenSunnyGrl and Merlin.

ENJOY!

****

HURT

I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. I hate being alone but I hate being with some one, too, well, the wrong someone that is. My mind is so messed up that there seems to be no recourse but to stop thinking at all.

But it hurts to do that, too.

All smiles, all joking, all snide little comments and harsh looks that you swear are just looks, I want it all to end.

All of it.

Everything.

It's my fault for loving him knowing that he belongs to someone else. My fault for wanting something I can never, ever have.

So, I hurt.

I've been told that my 'moral' is wrong, that there is nothing wrong with having more than one boyfriend. But I can't do it. Not only to myself...but to her.

And it is a her. And I am not a her. I am a him. And he doesn't like hims.

So, my little stupid moral, doesn't even matter in this situation. Ron and Hermione do not understand why I don't just go out and paint the town. Well, I think Hermione does. That sympathetic look on her face when she looks at me sometimes, gives her away. She knows I love him. And she knows there is not a damn thing I am going to do about it.

But I digress from my original depression. It's not the fact that it is a her that is my problem. It's the fact that they are together. That he is with someone, oh Merlin!, if only he wasn't, then I would say something. I would let him know then.

But my stupid conscious won't let me even go near him. I've had that done to me before and have vowed to never do that to someone else if I can help it. I know what it's like to feel the betrayal, to walk in and see the one person you thought you could trust over everyone else in the arms of another.

The pain, the hatred, the want to hurt someone or something, is so overwhelming it is painful. I wasn't that depressed over the situation, so I must have subconsciously have known what was going on behind my back.

But still, I hurt.

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Here I sit for the tenth night in a row in the beautiful side garden I found in fifth year. As a seventh year student I was allowed to stay out later than others, and with my invisibility cloak I was always out roaming the castle. Insomnia does that for me. On the plus side, if you can look at it that way, I know this castle like the back of my hand. The one that doesn't have the telltale scar from fifth year.

Hearing a sound behind me, I jump up and spinning around, point my wand towards the sound.

"Lumos." I say low as my eyes search the darkness around me.

I stiffen in surprise when the first sign of pale hair could be seen and my depression steps out of the shadows to send me a startled look.

"Potter."

"Malfoy."

"Out late I see."

"Apparently."

The beautiful scowl graced his face and I knew I was in trouble. I had to get out of there, fast.

"I'll be going now." I said as I put my wand up and turned to walk away.

"Wait."

Stopping I refuse to turn back as I snarl, "Take points or give me a detention."

I could hear a sigh behind me and had to brace myself not to turn and look at him. "I am not going to take points, nor, give you a detention."

That did make me turn to look at him in shock. "What?"

He runs a hand through his hair in a move that was so unlike him I immediately became suspicious. "Look Potter, I just came out here to be alone. I need to think."

Okay...then why did he ask me not to go? I, of course, did not ask that question out loud. I took the moment and savored it with all my being. I was standing so close to him and we were not fighting. I didn't know how much more of this I could handle.

He sighed again and moved to sit right where I had been sitting seconds before. Knowing my punishment would come later, in the form of dreams that would haunt me all night, I stayed standing.

"Malfoy?"

He looked up at me with an expression I could not decipher and said shakily, "yes?"

"Are you...okay?"

"And you care why, Potter?" The look was there but the tone...was off somehow. Like he wanted to be hurtful but was just to tired to do it.

"I...look, I'll go now. I hope you figure out whatever is wrong with you." I say as I turn and walk away. Cause really, one more minute standing there and I would have been sent to Azkaban for assault. No one, and I mean no one, should be that beautiful. The moonlight shining off his pale hair turned it into a silver halo around his angelic face. The pale face made the red lips just scream at you to kiss them. So, I had to leave.

Merlin, that hurt.

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Ron made me go out with him and Hermione the next Hogsmead weekend. I was furious when Susan Bones just happened to show up at our table to sit with us. Damn Ron and his stupid matchmaking. I mean Susan, hello, lesbian!

But she was someone to talk too and I found myself actually beginning to like her. Until he walked in. Sending Hermione a pleading look and begging off on a headache, I practically ran from the Three Broomsticks. I in no way, shape, or form wanted to see him with her.

All the way back to my room I cursed the fates for my hurt.

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Once more I am in my garden, sitting on the same bench as I was three nights ago when a sound came from behind me. This time I didn't jump up to confront whoever it was that was there, because I knew who it was. I turned to watch as he slowly walked closer. He seemed even more tired that last time.

Silently I got up and motioned for him to sit.

"Okay yet Malfoy?"

"Not yet Potter." He wouldn't look at me so I stood there indecisively wanting him to say more. He didn't, he just continued to stare off into the darkness.

"Can I help?" Stupid question Potter, I think to myself as I wait for him to cut me down.

To my surprise he doesn't answer. Nothing. It's as if he didn't hear me. I am about to ask again when he shudders and says quietly, "no."

At least ten minutes passed before I decided to leave. As I turned away I thought I heard him say something but when I glanced back he was still looking away. I studied the profile of the man I loved before turning and walking back towards the castle.

I could tell he was hurting.

So, I hurt too.

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Two weeks later and he had showed up every night. Each time I asked him if he was okay and each time he said not yet.

I could tell something was wrong. But I had no way to help him.

Each time I left hurting more than the day before.

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Friday at dinner my whole world came crashing down. In the form of her.

Her happiness was my downfall.

She showed her hand to anyone who would look. A hand that was graced with the biggest emerald I had ever seen. I searched frantically for him but he wasn't there.

I knew I must have looked like death warmed over because Hermione, bless her soul, tried to shelter me from everyone else. But she needn't of bothered. I was already dead inside.

Maybe if I didn't have that stupid moral of mine I would have told him how I felt. Maybe if I had told him, my hand would be sporting that ring. Maybe...maybe...maybe.

It didn't matter any more. He was irrevocably gone now.

Merlin, it hurt.

I ran before anyone could see the pain on my face or the tears that threatened to fall from my dead lifeless eyes.

This went beyond anything I had ever felt before. I was not sure I could survive.

It just hurt to much to handle.

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He didn't show up that night, not the next.

That hurt beyond belief.

Numbness. Deadness.

Soon no hurt.

Please Merlin! No hurt!

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Astronomy Tower, two nights later. I was standing on the buttress looking down wondering if the fall would hurt.

I laugh harshly as I realize my mistake, the fall doesn't hurt you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom that will do it for you.

But at least there would be no more hurt.

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Well. Not sure if this will be a one shot or not. Will have to see.

ENJOY!

LMG


	2. Chapter Two

Thank you to ALL my reader's and to ALL my reviewer's.

My BETA's GoldenSunnyGrl and Merlin.

ENJOY!

****

HURT

__

Astronomy Tower, two nights later. I was standing on the buttress looking down wondering if the fall would hurt.

I laugh harshly as I realize my mistake, the fall doesn't hurt you, it's the sudden stop at the bottom that will do it for you.

But at least there would be no more hurt.

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Love hurts, you know. Especially if you can't express it and definitely if you have to see the one that you love, day in and day out, being pawed and fawned over by another. All because you couldn't, no you wouldn't, say anything.

What good does love do anybody if it is kept bottled up inside never to see the light of day? All because of my own insecurities. I could have said something. So what? Who cares?

**__**

SIGH

Obviously, I do.

But I could not bring myself to do that to her. Not out of any like or compassion for her, because let's face it, she's a bitch, but because they were together. Always together. With someone besides me.

And it hurt, badly.

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I didn't jump that night though I wanted to with every fiber of my hurting being. The wards on Hogwarts had been mine for over two years now, if I had really wanted to jump, I could have. I should have.

Come Monday morning classes I was beyond being a wreak. No sleep, no food, and having only thoughts of pain and hurt, made me a very sad individual. I ignored the curious looks and whispers behind my back. I couldn't tell anyone what the problem was, not even my best friends, so I suffered alone. Drowning in my self-depression.

I walked away from those that tried to start conversations. I answered no questions in class. I skipped breakfast and lunch and only went to dinner because of Hermione's sharp gaze.

I didn't eat. Just the thought of putting something in my mouth made me nauseous. He wasn't there. I looked though I told myself not too. The Queen was holding court in his absence. I left the table quickly not seeing the concerned looks from friends and teachers.

I practically ran to my garden, falling unto the bench weakly, air rushing through my clenched teeth as I struggled with the weakness. Was love suppose to feel this way?

Every pore wanted to weep but I was bone dry. My lungs craved air but no matter how hard I drew breath in, it was not enough. Every neuron in my body cried out for a touch, one touch, even if it was in anger. My heart pounded, painfully, and I wondered if I could be having a heart attack.

Shit! Love fucking hurts.

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It had gotten colder but I didn't feel it. I sat there for hours staring into the starless sky, wondering if the hurt would ever go away. When the sky began to lighten I slowly stood and made my shaky way back to my room. As I entered the common room I saw my best friends asleep on the couch. They had been waiting up for me. Somehow, that made me feel a little bit better.

I watched them for a minute, tempted to wake them and pour my heart out to them, but I didn't. I just quietly made my way to my room and falling on the bed, slept until Ron woke me for breakfast.

I tried to eat but everything tasted like ashes in my mouth. I gulped down a cup of coffee and hurried from the Great Hall, proud of myself for not looking to see if he was there. I ignored everyone again, to caught up in my own pain to notice the worried looks.

What did it matter anyway? Just leave me to my hurt, please.

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When I was called to the Headmaster's office I decided I didn't want to go as it made no difference one way or the other. I left class, ignoring Snape's dangerous look and not seeing the eyes that followed me out, but instead of turning right and going up towards the Headmaster's office, I turned left and headed out towards my garden. The one and only place we had ever been together, alone, without a harsh word or look between us.

I could care less what Dumbledore wanted anyways, I was through being his puppet.

I was through with everything but hurting because that was all I had become.

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I spent the rest of the day and night sitting there, hurting. I didn't care about classes, Quidditch, or eating. I just cared about my hurt. Always hurting.

It had become a way of life for me now. The pressure in my chest was constant. The tears only a sigh away. The pain consuming till nothing was left. The hurt unbearable.

I didn't have the guts to kill myself. I had tried and failed.

I had not seen him since that last Thursday night when I had thought he was going to talk to me. Truthfully, I hadn't seen much of anything lately, so, he could have been standing two feet from me and I doubt I would see him.

Aw, who am I kidding. I would have seen him. I will always see him.

Merlin! Just the thought of seeing him makes me hurt. Makes me want to go to the Astronomy Tower and try again. But for some insane reason, known only to God, I couldn't kill myself.

But I knew one person who wanted me dead. One person who didn't care if I hurt. I needed that person to get off their scaly arse and come and end my pain.

My head snaps up as the craziest thought I had ever had hits me. Why should I wait for that idiot to come to me? I could just go looking for him. He can't be all that hard to find.

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Soon, I won't hurt anymore.

Love hurts people. It _really_, **_really_** hurts.

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Ya'll asked for more.....here it is.

Wrote chapter one in 15 minutes and chapter 2 in about 20.

Hope you like.

ENJOY!  
  
LMG


	3. Chapter Three

Thank you to all my readers and reviewers.

Thanks to Merlin and GoldenSunnyGrl for being such great BETA's.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

ENJOY!

****

Chapter Three

__

Soon, I won't hurt anymore.

Love hurts people. It really, **really** hurts.

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Months have passed since I initiated my search for the scaly bastard that wanted me dead. Since the night of my resolve to find him he seemed to have disappeared. Did he know I searched for him to end my hurt? And, if he did, why the bloody hell didn't he just come out and kill me?

It's not like I would put up much of a fight. I wanted to die. I wanted the hurt to end. I wanted out! But nooo..... could he give me the pleasure of his company? NO! When I wanted to see him he disappears. What's up with that?

I don't think I have spoken to anyone in months. I think I ate yesterday. I am not positive though. I don't care. Not anymore.

Hell, maybe I'll kill myself before he gets his scaly arse in gear.

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I haven't seen him in weeks. I have made sure of that. I walk the halls when others are sleeping. Alone. Always alone. I do still notice what goes on around me but it just doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I heard a rumor that he was in the infirmary but when I went there he was already gone. I made myself look at him, really look, the next time I saw him and my heart broke at what I saw.

He looked just as I thought I probably did. What was once pale luxurious hair now seemed dull and lifeless. Had he even combed it? His clothes, once immaculate, now seemed...slept in and used. His pale skin no longer glowed as if hit by the moonlight but seemed as if it belonged on the dead. He walked with his once proud head hanging, still flanked by his bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle.

He scared me. And for the first time in months my hurt was pushed aside in my concern for him. I needed to find out what was wrong with him. I couldn't have him being unhappy. He had to be happy.

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I followed him for a week under my invisibility cloak. What I saw didn't match the picture of whom I thought he was. Only in the privacy of his dorm, with only his two friends present, did his facade drop.

He was miserable, in pain, hurt. I resolved to find out why. I put my search for Scalymort aside and concentrated on my love.

What I found destroyed everything I had ever thought was right in my life.

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I spent the next days in the owlry, Forbidden Forrest, and on the Astronomy Tower crying, screaming, hurting.

He was hurt and I had done it to him. I didn't know. I truly had not known. I did not know what to do now. Confusion ran rampant in my mind as I thought about what I had seen.

He hadn't wanted to ask her to marry him. He doesn't want to be a Death Eater. He was miserable because he loved someone that he thought would never love him back.

That someone was me.

I was in a daze for days after that startling revelation. I did not know what to do. I wanted to run to him and confess my love for him as well, but I didn't. I restrained myself from doing what my mind and body called out for me to do.

I would end his hurt.

Just as soon as I could.

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I hate my friends. Nosey bastards. They just couldn't leave well enough alone. They hexed me! They friggin hexed me!

Hermione was crying and Ginny was silent while Ron ranted and raved about my stupidity.

"Sorry." I croaked in a voice that had not been used in months.

"Are you trying to kill yourself? When's the last time you ate?" Ron snarled in my face. Really, I knew he was like a brother to me but this was uncalled for.

"Yes." Was my only reply.

Ron stopped ranting to stare at me, red faced and tear stained cheeks, and whispered, "why?"

"I hurt." I answered as the first sob wracked my thin body.

Both girls were crying now and hanging on to me for dear life. I was too weak to move. The hex had drained too much energy from me. Tears coursed down everyone's cheeks now. I realized that I wasn't the only one hurting.

"We could have helped you." Ron said gently as he kneeled in front of me.

"You can't." I sobbed back staring into the face of my best friend.

Hermione snorted through her tears, "you didn't let us try."

I slowly, weakly, turned my head to stare into her soft brown eyes. I saw love and understanding shining back at me through the tears. I wanted to gather them all in my arms and hold them close but I was too weak to move.

Smiling tiredly at her I shook my head. "He loves me. Did you know? He hurts too. I caused that."

"We can help you fix that Harry." Ginny said softly.

"Too late." I whispered as the black spots that had been clouding my vision moments before grew to overcome me and I slipped swiftly into unconsciousness.

Did I mention how much I love my friends?

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I was kept in bed for three days before they even considered letting me go to the bathroom without help. I don't know what excuses they made to the teachers but I was never left alone. What they did for me warmed part of my frozen heart.

Ron was plotting. I could tell by his shifty eyes and his avoidance of any question that had to do with Draco, my love. I could say his name now. I had someone to talk to about him. And that also helped heal my frozen heart. That they were accepting of it was a major help.

I knew something was up on the forth day of my exile. Ginny and Hermione made me take a long hot bath, shaving and all, before dressing me in new silk pajamas and forcing me to eat an ungodly amount of food.

My suspicions were confirmed when the other boys in the dorm all had somewhere else to be that night seemed I would have the dorm all to my little 'ol lonesome. Bullocks for me. I didn't protest too loudly, as I was still somewhat weak.

I lay on my bed and watched as Ron got ready for his usual Saturday night stroll of the ladies. I wonder whom he had picked for this night's entertainment. Yawning I turned away and fell asleep.

I was woken later to the soft sound of the dorm room door opening. I saw the silhouettes of my friends and closed my eyes to go back to sleep. Soft whispering interrupted my attempts and when I next opened my bleary eyes all I could see was soft pale hair and sharp silver blue eyes that pierced my soul.

"Oh love, I wish you were real." I whispered as I raised a shaky hand to touch.

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Well, I think maybe one, possibly two, more chapters to go in this little story of mine.

I do hope that you like.

ENJOY!

LMG


	4. Chapter Four

Thank you to all my readers and reviewers.

Thanks to Merlin and GoldenSunnyGrl for being such great BETA's.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

ENJOY!

**Chapter Four**

_Soft whispering interrupted my attempts to fall back to sleep and when I next opened my bleary, hurting eyes all I could see was soft pale hair and sharp silver blue eyes that pierced my soul._

_"Oh love, I wish you were real." I whispered as I raised a shaky hand to touch._

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It was easier to hurt, you know. Easier to let the pain build deep inside of me. Wounds so deep that they could never go away. Just continue to bleed me dry day after day. Taking me into the darkness and deadness of my soul night after night. A scary place it was, I know.

I am sure you have heard of people dieing of broken hearts. If you haven't, just wait. Soon you will know someone and that someone would be me. I wanted to tell my friends how much I love them and that I will miss them even if I haven't given them that impression lately. But I said nothing as there was nothing left to say.

Question: Can you die of a broken heart if you know that the one you love returns your love? I guess I wouldn't be dieing of a broken heart anymore but of a heart that has no hope. Yes, that sounds better. I die because my heart has no hope. Even though I knew he loved me back, it was now past the point of no return for me. I was dieing. And nothing my friends were doing was going to stop that.

Just thinking about him had made my heart begin to pound painfully in my chest. I am so weak. I have refused to look in the mirror that Hermione conjured after that initial look. I would look better dead, I think. At least then it would be right to look like this. My eyes are sunken and dead looking, black, lifeless green. My skin is pale and waxy looking. I think my hair is falling out. Does that happen often I wonder. My teeth hurt too. I am pretty positive that that is suppose to happen, just like the hair. A funny thought just crossed my mind, if all my hair falls out then no one can make fun of the rat's nest that it usually is. Funny huh?

_**SIGH**_ A full body sigh. Man, that felt good. It really did. An ease in some of the pain always feels good. And a sigh eases hurt. Don't ask me why. I don't know but I do know it works. If, by some miracle I survive, I'll ask Madam Pomfrey about that. Maybe it is documented in some medical journal and I can read up on that. I let my mind wander with that thought so that I don't have to think about why I am lying, trapped by my friends, on my own bed. But like a horrific scene you just can't tear your eyes from my thoughts swing back to my love, my pain, my hurt.

Is it easier to blame someone else for your pain? Me, I had no one to blame. I had made my own pain. And in the process had given pain to the one person I wanted to save above all others. Is it better to give or receive pain? Does it even matter where the pain comes from or goes too? Hell, pains pain. And it bloody fucking hurts.

In my own defense I truly did not know that I had caused pain. And when I did know, what did I do? I ran. Like the coward I had always thought of myself, I ran. I didn't want to face it. I turned my back on everything so that I could ignore all of my hurt and all the pain I was inflicting on others. Stupid huh?

Because that kind of hurt never goes away. It seeps into your very soul. And if you are not careful it can take over your entire life.

That is what had happened to me. I needed my hurt to feel alive not understanding it was slowly eating away at my very soul. Ripping tiny pieces of it away every second until nothing was left but a black, empty hole. Pain and hurt and loathing. That's what I had become. I had done that to myself. Blame? No one. Nothing. Me. Just me.

Taking the hurt and trying to mold it to work for me....didn't work. I think I actually suck at that worse than I suck at Potions. And man, do I suck at Potions. All I wanted to do was have that scaly bastard come and end my hurt. One simple bloody _avada kedavra _was all I needed. But I couldn't find him. What was up with that? I can't for the life of me understand why he was hiding.

Did he know? Was he just sitting back waiting for me to die? Or did he fear me still, knowing I now had nothing to live for and wanted and needed to die, did he now fear me more?

This was a golden opportunity for him. I would lay myself before him, wand at my feet, begging for the bright green terrible life taking light that had started this life for me. Have you ever heard of anyone dreaming about that? Of wanting it so much he or she could taste it?

I could tell you what the death curse tastes like. Honey and blood and the just woke up from a nightmare taste you get in your mouth after a hard scream; the one that woke you from the nightmare in the first place.

It freezes your soul, that's why you scream. Souls are suppose to be free and warm and full of love. Not dead and cold and green.

I would have stayed that way until my death. Hell, I was begging for it. I needed it. Wanted it. Dreamed of it. Searched for it. I hated to hurt. But hurting made me feel just the tiniest bit alive.

Like a slow drip of blood from a self inflicted wound, hurt was the one and only thing keeping me alive.

**Drip.** _Breathe in and out._

**Drip.** _Sleep._

**Drip.** _Eat. Throw up. Eat again._

**Drip.** _Breathe in and out. _

I had no life left. At this point, I could care for nothing, no one. Especially the one that I loved. If I let myself care now, I would hang on in hurt till the very last moment. I have tried to let him go, but I can't. I selfishly don't want her to have him.

He is mine. Mine. But I can never have him.

I wanted it all to end and I was well on my way to seeing it done once and for all, even if I had to literally waste myself away to get the job done. Then _they_ came along and bullocked up all of my half-baked plans.

_They_ decided I should live. _They_ decided to try and keep me alive. _They_ made me eat and cleaned up after me when I vomited it all back up. _They_ made me sleep by forcing potions down my lax throat. _They_ made me talk. _They _cried when I cried and held me when the shaking and fear became too much for me to handle alone.

Little by little _they_ made me live.

Thank Merlin for friends.

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"Oh love, I wish you were real." I whispered as I raised a shaky hand to touch that beautiful pureblood pale skin that called out to be worshiped. And I was a worshiper of the highest order, or I would be if ever given the chance.

Everything I had ever wanted was right there before me. Shining brightly in the moonlight. I wanted to devour it but keep it whole and pure and touchless. He was the only real thing left in my life. And he belonged to someone else.

What's the irony in that? Belonging to someone else? Can you belong to someone? And if you do, are you still you?

I think I knew the answer to that one; I belonged to him and I was still me. Even if he didn't know he owned me, I still belonged to him.

Expecting my hand to pass through the vision before me I held still in shock when my cold, shaky hand met hot, tear-streaked flesh. Flesh that was real. And here. And not my imagination. I was touching him. He was here. He was with me. Why was he crying? Did I look that bad?

I touched a tear that fell from his beautiful eyes and it burned through my skin all the way to my soul, healing as it went.

"Oh God!" I breathed shakily in awe. "D-Draco?"

The hope that flared in my mind and body made me cry out and I welcomed the blackness that consumed me. For the first time ever I fell into it willingly because I had hope now that when I woke, I wouldn't be alone.

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Well, here it is. I do so hope that you all like this. Getting maudlin this close to Christmas. Possibly one more chapter to go!

Merry Christmas to ALL and have a Happy New Year!

ENJOY!

LMG


	5. Chapter Five

Thank you to ALL my reviewers and to ALL my readers!

Disclaimer: see previous chapter.

Thank you to Merlin and GoldenSunnyGrl for being such great BETA'S.

ENJOY!

**CHAPTER FIVE**

When you love something so much and you think it's gone, how do you live? How do you get up, each day, and live? I didn't know the answer to that question.

Obviously.

I was killing myself and doing a better job of it than Scalyarse could ever do.

And then my friends came along. My horrible, pushy, bitchy, wonderful friends. And they saved me from myself.

They brought my Love to me. They tried to stop my hurt.I just pray they were not too late.

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_I touched a tear that fell from his beautiful eyes and it burned through my skin all the way to my soul, healing as it went._

_"Oh God!" I breathed shakily in awe. "D-Draco?"_

_The hope that flared in my mind and body made me cry out and I welcomed the blackness that consumed me. For the first time ever I fell into it willingly because I had hope now that when I woke, I wouldn't be alone._

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Groaning against the pain in my head I wanted nothing more than to sink back into the blackness that I had been residing in when my mind and body finally registered the warmth pressed against my side. A warmth that at once filled me with pain and pleasure. Pain because I had only an unseen hope that it was who I wanted it to be and pleasure because I knew it was who I wanted it to be.

I tried to move but the other body had an arm that was holding me down, not harshly, but with a care that I could sense even in my sleep befuddled mind. I reached a shaky hand up and traced the arm that was across my chest from its bony elbow down to its graceful fingers. I twined my own dark tanned fingers in with the pale ones and drew that hand up to my mouth where I pressed a gentle kiss to the inside of its wrist.

It was who I thought it to be. No one else that I had ever met had that pale of skin. It was like a bar of milk chocolate that I had seen my Aunt Petunia eat one time. I wondered if it would melt in my mouth like that chocolate had when she had dropped a piece on the floor and not known it, I had quickly picked it up and hid it in my hand until I could get to my room to eat it. It had almost melted but it was still the best thing I had eaten in my eight short years.

I let my tongue trace the folds of that pale wrist, too tired to do anything else. After a few minutes of this, the blackness beckoned again and with a small smile on my lips I fell into it, safe in the knowledge that my Love would be there when I awoke.

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I woke to whispering once again. And to a side that was cold and empty. Panic rose in me as I realized that my Love was gone. Had it all been a dream? Please, what ever God or Gods were out there, let it NOT have been a dream.

With a loud whimper I let my friends know I was awake. They gathered around me with concerned looks on their faces but not one of them spoke. I searched each face and tears threatened when the one I was searching for was missing.

"Sh..." Hermione finally said softly as the fear and loss flooded my face. "He's in the bathroom. We made him take a shower."

Tears fell from my eyes and I looked to her gratefully. Ron chuckled beside him. "Made him...we had to threaten him with a _soapicilius_ charm."

Seamus grinned, "right ripe he was getting."

Ginny slapped him on the back of the head but she also was grinning. Neville was shaking his head at all of their antics and Dean was just as quiet as usual. To my surprise Crabbe and Goyle were standing, silently watching, behind Dean. I let my eyes linger on them for a second and when they both nodded, I knew they were telling me that they accepted Draco's choice. Of course, I had known that they already knew that Draco loved me but it came as no small surprise to me that they were accepting enough to show themselves to the others. Maybe I had underestimated the two hulking Slytherins.

My friends were all there. They hadn't left me. Draco hadn't left me.

"Of course, we used the charm on you," Hermione said in her same matter of fact voice she used with everything.

"Now, you _was_ ripe." Seamus said as he dipped out of the way of Ginny's swinging hand.

I felt my face stretch uncomfortably and I knew I was attempting a grin. It must have been a horrible looking grin because each of them blanched before bravely returning it. I noticed that Goyle was looking strangely at me but could not interpret the look so I just shrugged it off.

"Thank you." Was what I had attempted to say but it came out more as a hoarse croak than anything resembling words. Ron silently handed me a glass of water but then had to help me drink it when I was too weak to hold the glass to my lips by myself.

After I was done drinking I moved to sit up and could not stop the groan that fell from my chapped lips. Every muscle in my body hurt, hell, even my bones hurt. Hermione and Ron both helped me into a sitting position and I took minutes to recover my breathing afterwards. Damn, I was so weak!

"I had Dobby warm you up some broth, the charms to keep you hydrated only work if you are unconscious." Hermione said as she fussed around me, fluffing pillows and fixing my blanket. "I know you won't drink much but, please, drink as much as you can."

"Can we get you anything?" Dean asked quietly as he watched from the foot of my bed. I sent him a grateful look and was just about to shake my head no when a sound to my left drew my attention and everyone else in the room didn't matter anymore. I whimpered in relief as I saw him.

My Love was standing at the door to the bathrooms. He was so beautiful. Hair wet and scraggly around his pale face, dressed in an old pair of my too-big pajamas, and a startled look on his face. Oh, yes, he was most beautiful. Hermione and Ron stepped back as I struggled to get out of the bed.

With a cry, Draco walked quickly to my bedside and placed a hand on my chest. I stilled instantly.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." I whispered as we stared intently at each other.

Without another word he crawled into bed beside me and drew me tightly into his arms, he settled his head against my chest as silent sobs racked both our bodies. Fresh tears fell from my eyes to join his own that were falling to my chest.

Saying quiet goodbyes and another entreaty to drink the broth, my friends and his left.

Sobs and hiccups were the only sound left in the room after they left. I knew we needed to talk but right now, we needed this closeness more. Talking we could do while I healed. He would be with me because I was never letting him out of my sight again. After hours of tears sleep came over us and as we held each other my fear of living faded and for the first time in months, I looked forward to the dawn.

----------XXXXX----------XXXXX----------

When I next woke up, I felt better than I had in a very long time. The first thing that I noticed was that I was alone again. The second thing I noticed was the humming coming from my right. Opening my eyes, I was treated to a beautiful sight.

Draco was sitting in the windowsill, singing. Well, humming actually. I did not recognize the tune but that didn't matter. His low voice flowed over me, sending my heart to pounding. His now dry hair was laying perfectly as he had stopped gelling it years ago. He was still in my pajamas and he was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, staring out the window. One finger was drawing words and pictures in the spot that his breath was leaving on the window. After a few minutes the song he was humming started to repeat itself and I was mesmerized by the beauty I was witnessing.

I knew I looked like hell. And I also knew that Draco had not been looking his usual perfect self for the last couple of weeks. But now, he had once again the desire to take care of himself and he was looking very fine indeed. Even in my too-big pajamas. He would purse his beautiful lips and blow his hot breath against the glass pane and before it would vanish he would write something. He would cock that beautiful head and stare at what he had written until it vanished and then he would repeat the process all over again. Did I mention he was beautiful?

As I lay in my bed I knew that these times, in this room, were all that mattered. Once they stepped outside of those doors, the world would never leave them in peace. Growing up he'd had to deal with his uncaring relatives, fighting with them for every little thing he had, and that made him tenaciously hang on to anything that he thought was his. The wizard world had better not mess with Draco. They would have a very angry Boy Who Lived to deal with if they did.

Of course, that is if I survived. Not Scalyarse though, I had no doubt that I would beat him. I have to survive my own stupidity first.

I must have made a sound because Draco sharply turned his head to see me staring at him. I could feel my face grow hot as Draco's silver gaze drilled into me. I had forgotten what those eyes did to me.

He didn't say a word as he stood up and walked slowly towards me. I knew we needed to talk. There were some things I needed to tell him. A lot of things actually but there was one important thing that he needed to know above all others.

"I love you." I whispered as I let my hungry gaze devour his face.

He faltered and then continued to advance upon me. I grew scared as I noticed he didn't return my sentiment. What the hell?

He walked to stand at the foot of my bed where he stood for a few minutes, watching me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but stopped when he threw me a look that clearly said 'if I spoke I would be hexed'. He must have seen whatever it was that he was looking for because after giving me that look he slowly crawled up my legs until he was laying flush on my weak body. I didn't want him to move but he was heavy and my breathing was beginning to be affected by his weight upon my chest. Just when it was becoming unbearable, he shifted to the side and leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"I love you, too."

I could feel my chest swell at the emotions running through it. This was something that I thought would only happen in my dreams. Yes, we still had a lot to talk about and some majors decisions to make. But none of that matter, right here, right now, his arms around me and his words still lingering in the air. That is what mattered.

We held each other all night long, whispering our fears and dreams into each others receptive ears. We cried, we talked, we yelled, and we laughed, but, most importantly, we loved.

----------XXXXX----------XXXXX----------

I don't know how they did it. But they hid me for weeks before the questions they had to face became unanswerable. At least no one suspected us of being together, he still went to classes every now and then, just enough to allay suspicion. Draco was fully recovered but I was still so weak I couldn't even make it to the bathroom without assistance.

I was angry and said things I never should have and we argued. He left and I broke down in the middle of what had become our room, shaking and crying his name.

I shouldn't have said what I did. I know it but it just came out in the heat of our argument and I could not take it back now. Besides, I was right. Even if I shouldn't have said it. Could I help it if I was jealous?

You see, he was still suppose to marry_ her_. What was I suppose to say, or think, or feel about that?

The green monster grabbed my tongue and started wagging it and before I knew it the words were out of my mouth. I could tell he was trying to stay calm but was rapidly losing his control. I knew that he was right, she was a perfect smoke screen but just the thought of her touching him made me want to hurl. It was his statement of 'You! You don't have too-' that made my blood freeze and absolute fear overcome me.

I was so afraid. Absolutely terrified that he was sleeping with her and when I asked he assured me that he wasn't. It was so hard to believe him. But, he had been with me for weeks, unless he was in class, and I knew he wasn't, I just knew it, didn't I? We both started crying. We had cried so much over the last few days that I was surprised either of us had any tears left.

Every time he left I feared that he wouldn't come back. I asked him to see it from my point of view. He said he would try. I knew what we were doing was dangerous and all I wanted to do was keep him safe and with me but the mere thought of him even being within one foot of her made me want to hurt her. Badly.

Draco watched me for a few minutes before he nodded once and turned to leave. I couldn't help my jealousy. She still had what was mine. I begged him to not let her touch him. I couldn't stand the fact that she could touch him when I could barely raise my own arm without help. I hated it. And it hurt me when he didn't readily agree.

"You're mine, Draco Malfoy. She touches you and I will hurt her." I said softly right before he walked out the door.

He turned and smiled gently at me, "I love you, Harry Potter." He said before he walked out the door to class.

I shouldn't have said it but I was hurt that he left me, though I knew he had too. Both of us being absent would cause too many questions. They had Care of Magical Creatures today and I slowly made my way to the window to watch the class. What I saw brought back all of the feelings that had brought me down before.

She was hanging all over my Love. And he was doing nothing to stop her.

I watched the entire class as she fawned all over him and it was only as the class disbursed that I came out of my daze. He was mine. She couldn't have him.

But she did, she had him. More than I did.

The despair that rose in my chest was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. I let it fester until I could take no more and with a harsh cry started to pound on the window in front of me. My hits made the glass shake in its frame but it obviously had an unbreakable charm on it because that is all that it did.

I heard the door crash open behind me but did not stop pounding the glass before me. I only registered the screaming as my own when hands pulled me gently away from the window and laid me on the floor. I moaned and curled in a little ball, too overcome with my hurt once again to understand what was going on. I could hear his voice calling to me but I dove for the blackness, wanting it to desperately take my pain away.

With one last harsh cry I sank into the blackness with a wish to never surface again.

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One more chapter to go. Not sure how this is going to end actually.

ENJOY!

LMG


	6. Chapter Six

Thank you to ALL my reviewers and to ALL my readers!

Disclaimer: see previous chapter.

Thank you to Merlin and GoldenSunnyGrl for being such great BETA'S.

ENJOY!

**CHAPTER SIX**

_He was mine. She couldn't have him. But she did, she had him. More than I did._

_The despair that rose in my chest was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. I let it fester until I could take no more and with a harsh cry started to pound on the window in front of me. My hits made the glass shake in its frame but it obviously had an unbreakable charm on it because that is all that it did._

_I heard the door crash open behind me but did not stop pounding the glass before me. I only registered the screaming as my own when hands pulled me gently away from the window and laid me on the floor. I moaned and curled in a little ball, too overcome with my hurt once again to understand what was going on. I could hear his voice calling to me but I dove for the blackness, wanting it to desperately take my pain away._

_With one last harsh cry I sank into the blackness with a wish to never surface again._

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Waking up when all you had wanted to die would piss just about anyone off. Needless to say, I was furious. I thought if I died he could live. He wouldn't hurt anymore because I wasn't there to hurt him.

Didn't I say I hated my friends? Well, if I didn't, I'll say it now. Merlin, they get on my ever-loving last nerve.

I don't know how they did it, who they called, or what they had to promise, but here I was awake, in a strange room, _alive_. Right then, I hated so fiercely, they should be glad I was alone.

The room was done up in dark colors, without my glasses I couldn't tell if it was blue, black, green or dark red, just that the whole atmosphere of the room was...muted. It also made me feel safe for some odd reason. My body felt different, not as sore or as...dead, as it had been feeling lately. That made me think that I had been here for a long time, a very long time.

I tried to look around the room to see if it could give me any clues as to were the bloody hell I was, but I could see nothing but vague outlines of what could only be furniture. There was a glass of water on the table beside me and I wanted it, badly. My throat was dry. Slowly I raised my arm towards the glass and was surprised that I was able to do it.

Shakily I maneuvered the glass to my lips and with the help of my other hand was able to tip it enough for the cool, clear, liquid to flow into my mouth. Water had never tasted so good. As I was putting the glass back, slowly of course, I saw my glasses. Putting them on I was now able to look about the room. I saw I was in a very eloquent looking room. From the satin looking drapes to the bearskin rug before the roaring fire, yes, this room just screamed money.

My thoughts were broken into by the opening of a door and my mouth fell at the vision that walked in. Long pale hair that shined in the firelight, sharp blue eyes that saw at first glance that I was awake. Soft pink lips that lifted in a smile.

"Welcome back, Mr. Potter." Soft melodious voice that was music to my ears.

Not knowing what to say I just nodded. This woman looked awfully familiar. She went to the fire and with a pinch of powder watched until the green flame was occupied before saying two words, "he's awake."

I didn't hear what the response was. In fact I wasn't really listening. There must have been something in the water because I was growing sleepy again. I tried to protest but the only sound that came from my throat was a whimper. It did get the beautiful creatures attention and she whirled to face me. With a gentle smile she said, "sleep, questions will be answered when next you wake."

I really didn't want to go to sleep again without the questions I had running through my mind answered, but the drug I had ingested left me with little choice. With a glare and a growl I succumbed to the pull of the healing sleep I still so obviously needed.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It was nighttime the next time that I awoke. I reached for my glasses and looked about the room. I was alone again. Sighing, I thought that I should be used to that feeling, after all, I had made sure that alone was exactly what I was going to be. This was the first time that I had a chance to think about the last thing that I could actually remember happening to me.

Pounding on the glass after seeing my Love with another. Screaming for death to end the hurt. Hoping and praying that the blackness that was approaching was the final end so that I didn't have to see _that_ ever again.

Not wanting to think about that anymore in the fear that the blackness would come back, I tried to get up. Big mistake. I guess I was still too weak.

I managed to push the heavy quilt down and pull my legs to the side. That first action brought a light sheen of sweat to my now shaking body. My heart sped up and my breaths quickened but I still thought that I could do it. I got my legs to the side of the bed but I was now sitting at a very uncomfortable angle. I pushed with my shaking arms until I was leaning against the large pillow I had been propped up against. I knew that was as far as I was going to be able to go for a while.

I leaned against the pillow and waited for my still weak body to quit its shaking. I hated being weak but I knew that what was wrong with me was entirely my own fault. No pity party here, I thought, I knew where to place the blame.

Seeing her with her arms around Draco had broken something in me. And coming right after the semi-fight we had had, well...I thought I had lost him. I still felt that sense of loss deep in my gut and I knew that he was gone. Once again no one to blame but myself.

Hearing a soft birds cry I wanted to make it to the window alcove to see if I could look out and tell where I was. With a sharp groan and an indrawn breath I used the table beside my bed to pull me up. Good thing the table was made of really sturdy wood because it had to take all of my weight. The pain in my legs was excruciating. I finally managed to get the shaking in my legs under control and I used the wall and a chair to make my way to the bay window. I settled myself as comfortably as I could onto the cushions of the window before I looked out to see what I could see.

When I was able to look out of the window I was amazed at the breathtaking view. A beautiful garden that went on for as far as I could see. Stone paths and alcoves with little ponds and what looked to me to be a maze in the far distance. I had never seen a more stunning view. Unfortunately, the view didn't give me a clue as to where I was. Though it did reinforce my earlier thoughts that this place belonged to someone very well off.

I didn't know anyone that rich. Except for Draco, I think his family is the second richest in all of the Wizard world. Why would I be in Draco's house? Am…_am_ I in Draco's house?

The door opened and I slowly turned my head and saw that lovely woman from before and I knew that I was in Draco's house for standing there in the doorway was his mother. She looked frantically around the room before she saw me sitting at the window. I saw the tension leave her body and was concerned.

"Is everything all right?" I managed to croak out loud enough that she could hear across the wide expanse of my room.

"Yes, I was just concerned when I did not see you in the bed." Mrs. Malfoy assured me.

"What am I doing here?" I asked in as cold a tone as I could manage. A look of confusion crossed her face as she stared at me. Did she not know why I was here?

"You were sent here to get well. I assure you, Mr. Potter, I am fully qualified to take care of you." Ah, there is the haughty woman I remember.

"I am not doubting that, Mrs. Malfoy. I only ask why I am here and not at Hogwarts." Again I made sure my tone was cold though I did add a bit of respect into it, after all, she had watched over me for a very long time.

"I was told that it was no longer safe for you there and that you needed to heal." I could tell that that was not all by the fact that she wouldn't look me in the eye.

"By whom?"

"Excuse me?"

I sighed, obviously she had been told not to answer my questions. "Who told you this? Who sent me here? Why am I here?" I fired the questions at her. She drew herself up to her full height and looked down her nose at me. Her stance reminded me of Draco and I could not stop the flinch as I watched her. I hadn't meant to make her mad I just wanted answers.

"My son." Was her now cold reply as she watched me for my reaction.

I had already known the answer to her question I think. All I could do was nod my head. "Is…is he here?" I asked hesitantly as I looked at her in apology.

"No, he could not be here until after dinner. I did not expect you to wake again until then." She answered understandingly. She moved gracefully to sit beside me and took my hand in hers. "He was so very worried for you."

I sighed, "I hurt him."

"No, you scared him." I looked to her and realized she must have been told the whole story of how we danced around each other for years and then when we had finally realized what we wanted it was too late because he had to asked Pansy to marry him.

I weakly tried to get up to stand but didn't have the energy and I flopped back onto the seat behind me in an ungainly pile.

"Here, drink this." She handed me two vials and though I was horrid at potions even I could tell a they were a general healing potionand a pain-relieving potion. Taking them with a grateful look I quickly downed them both trying not to grimace at the dry taste that was left in my mouth.

"He is marrying her." I knew my voice was defeated and I couldn't stop the tears from gathering to fall from my eyes.

"No, he is not." She said very firmly as she tightened her grip on my hand.

"But…" I looked at her with the first faint hope in my eyes, "he asked her."

"He had too." Mrs. Malfoy explained gently, "before his eighteenth birthday he had to be engaged to get his inheritance. He turned eighteen two weeks ago and the paperwork was finalized the next day. He thought he had no chance with you so, he asked her. He told me he went to see you but never had the courage to say anything to you. If your friends had not of told him everything that you were going through then, yes, he would have went through with the marriage."

"What are you saying?"

"As of two weeks ago the engagement has been broken."

"He did that?"

"Yes, for you."

"Why?"

"I do believe my son loves you, Mr. Potter."

I stared at her in shock and my face flushed in embarrassment. "I-I-"

She smiled at me and chuckled, "I thought that would get to you."

I could only look at her and try to keep the faint hope from before from blooming in my chest. I so wanted her words to be true. Please Merlin let her words be true.

"I love him."

She patted him on the knee and stood, "good. Now, lets get you showered and dressed for when he gets here."

I felt my face flush but I stood on shaking legs to follow her to the bath, hoping with all of my being that Draco did still love me.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

I had just finished the light meal of broth and crackers that Mrs. Malfoy, she had insisted that I call her Narcissa but I had politely declined until Draco said it was okay, had brought me when the door opened and a cloaked figure rushed in.

Without thinking I lunged for my wand. In my panic I didn't hear my name called out but thankfully I was still weak so that I was slow and had only gotten my fingers wrapped around my wand when the rushing body hit me and knocked me back onto the bed. The second the arms wrapped around me I knew that it was Draco. With a sob I turned to burrow as far into the arms of my Love as I could get. From far off I heard talking and then the door closed quietly and we were alone in the room.

"Don't you ever do that again, you hear me!" Draco whispered as he placed kisses all over my face.

"I'm sorry." I whispered back as I pulled him tight and gave him a kiss that made my own toes curl with want.

For several minutes we kissed and just held each other until the fear that we had for each other was eased somewhat. I finally pulled back to take a good look at him and he looked better than I had seen him in a long time.

"You are so beautiful." I whispered to him. I loved the blush that graced his cheeks at that.

"Why did you send me here?" I finally asked. A shadow passed over his face but he nodded once before he got up and making sure I was comfortable sat in the chair by my bed.

"When you collapsed we were all scared for you. The only one we could trust was Madam Pomfrey so we took you to her." I watched as he talked and I could see the fear that he had for me all over him. It made my love for him soar in my chest and I couldn't stop the soft smile. "She stabilized you but warned us that you couldn't stay there. The Headmaster had already figured out that something was going on and Hermione couldn't hold him off any longer. Greg was almost caught when the Polyjuice potion ran out as he was making his way from the Great Hall that night at dinner. We all knew we didn't have much time but we didn't know what to do. Vince got an owl from his father warning him of an attack later that night so we knew we had to get you out of there."

He reached over to grab my hand and we shared a loving smile. I knew, in that moment, that no matter what came at me from then on I would no longer be alone. I had friends and I had an amazing love that would be there for me when I needed it. I had never felt better in my life than right then.

Draco lifted my hand and settled a kiss on the back of it that seemed to burn my skin. I couldn't stop the hiss of breath that came from me nor the desire I knew that was shining in my eyes. He smirked at me before he continued on with his story, "when Ron came running into the infirmary saying that Fudge was on his way down, we panicked. Madam Pomfrey gave you a potion that knocked you completely out and we got you out of there with the help of your trusty invisibility cloak." He leveled a glare at me and I just smirked back. With a roll of his eyes he went on, "I got you to the Leaky Cauldron and then I owled my mother and she agreed to take you in. You are in her family home in France. You have been here for over a month."

"And Voldemort? The Ministry? Dumbledore?" I asked in a voice that I knew was cold but couldn't change it.

"Does it matter? They will all have their time, this is our time now. Can we deal with one problem at a time right now? Mainly your health that my mother has spent weeks on improving." Draco said sharply.

"She has been very kind." Draco was blushing at my compliment and it made me smile again. "I owe her much."

"No, Harry, we owe her nothing."

"We?" I asked hesitantly.

"You can't be thinking that I will ever let you go after this, can you?" Draco demanded in the haughty way that had made me first come to love him.

"Will you?" I had to ask just to be sure.

"Never." He promised as he stood up to lean over me. "You, Harry James Potter belong to me, Draco Nicholas Malfoy."

"Forever." I promised. Whatever came would come. But that was worry for another day.

"Forever." He agreed before we kissed to seal our bargain.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Life is about pain. Pain is about hurt. Hurt is about healing. Healing the hurt is painful.

Finding the one to both hurt and heal you, that is life.

_**THE END**_

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Thank you very much for reading this story. I can't express my gratitude to each and every one of you more than this: THANK YOU.

LMG


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